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Top Ten News Stories People from Philadelphia Don’t Give a Sh*t About

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10: Tiger Woods Returns to Golf: This is like announcing, Tiger Woods Photo: http://www.powerpointfiles.com/perthasian/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/tiger-woods-funnynike-t-shirt-just-do-her-just-do-it-.jpg“Eagles fans return to wearing green” or “South Philly inhabitants resume being Italian and parking in the middle of Broad Street”. We all knew it was going to happen eventually, so who cares?

Golf is just not a Philly sport. Football, hockey and attacking the guy that brings your pizza (are sports more interesting to Philadelphians than slapping a tiny ball around with a little stick. Let Tiger dress up as Green Man  and play 18 holes, then we’ll watch.

9: Diplomat Sent Back to Qatar: And before you ask, no, Qatar is not some new hipster club in Northern Liberties. It’s a country that only a few million people and possibly one Middle Eastern restaurant staff somewhere in Society Hill Photo: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S2LuPgoyXKI/AAAAAAABARc/AxYACkUZA3k/s400/ipad_01.jpgeven care about. Unless this is the place that makes cheesesteak meat, don’t waste the paper to print this Daily News.

8: Apple Sells a Lot of iPads: Only the Center City yuppies that buy them and the North Philly crackheads that will steal them out of an unguarded Lexus really give two craps about this glorified electronic snack tray.

 7: Philadelphia Schools P*ss Away Their Money on Stupid Sh*t: We didn’t really need the news to tell us that the Philadelphia school system was wasting our tax dollars. You can pretty much see the end result every day.

Photo: http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/52000/Space-taxi--52213.jpg

6: NASA Starts Space Taxi: Oh, great, another reason to give Walnut Street parking spaces to another business. At this point, why not make the entire city valet parking or just give me a ticket when I cross the bridge from Jersey? Unless they can work this taxi into an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, forget it.

5: Wynn Not to Build Casino: Oh, no! A rich millionaire can build his business so he can be an even richer millionaire? Heaven forbid! Now I only have illegal sports gambling, slot machines, horse racing, lottery tickets, my weekly poker game and Atlantic City to lose all my money. Tell us when they’re building a street that’s not full of potholes and that would be news.

4: Donavan McNabb Joins Another Team: Hey, you lose the green, we lose interest. End of story.Photo: http://pastortony.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/obama-funny-2.jpg

3: Barack Obama Disappoints Supports Again: Since most of Philadelphia voted for Obama, printing this story just causes everyone to put their fingers in their ears and go “La-la-la-la-la!” Sending more troops to Afghanistan? “La-la-la-la-la!”

2: Anything New Yorkers Have to Say About Philly: Anyone that gave a rat’s ass about the Five Boroughs that lived in Philly already moved there and regretted it. I mean, do you really want to root for the Jets or the Mets? Not even New Yorkers want to do that.

1: Kate Gosselin Does AnythingBam Margera  is less embarrassing and way more entertaining than this Penn native. At least if Bam was on Dancing with the Stars, he’d crash a golf cart or dance with fireworks tied to his clothes. I think all of Philadelphia is waiting for the Gosselin’s 15 minutes to finally tick off and leave us in peace.

Tony DiGerolamo is a New Jersey screenwriter, novelist, comic book writer, game designer and actor.  He is best known for his work on The Simpsons and Bart Simpson comic books.  He has also been a joke writer for Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, a scriptwriter for Space Ghost: Coast to Coast  and a blogger for Comedy Central’s Indecision ’08 website. Check out Tony at www.superfrat.com

To contact Tony, email him at tonyd@philly2philly.com