As is evident in my tardiness of this article, I have been making a lot of changes in my life lately and time has just been flying past me like zoo smell in summer. I changed jobs and companies, and just as the excitement of a new position approached, so did the stress of tying up all of the loose ends at my current position. Along with this decision to change jobs I also decided to change a specific character trait; I made the conscious decision to begin to tell the truth, difficult or not.
By this I don't mean I am a compulsive liar, I just mean I have a tendency to take the "easier" way out of a lot of situations. I never categorized this as being anti-truth, but I saw it as sparing someone's feelings, or avoiding unnecessary drama. Looking back at this tactic I've employed over the years, I've only ever CREATED more drama for myself. Just recently, I meet a man in the grocery store and we had a good time chatting on the phone and such, but in person I was less than impressed. He shows up to our first date looking like he just finished mowing the lawn. The man had on dirty jeans, a ripped tee-shirt, some banged up sneakers, and not at all looking as though he put any thought or effort into making that all important first date impression.
I am not shallow enough to have immediately looked at him and said (in a Valley-Girl tone) "um…WHATEVER!", but I did immediately wonder if it was really worth it for me to have applied my self-tanner if this guys going to come decked out in his "garage cleaning" attire. Regardless, I went ahead with the date and just tried to overlook his lax appearance. I mean who knows, maybe he just did come from moving the lawns of his local retirement communities, the benefit of the doubt can sometimes come back and pleasantly surprise you.
Overall, I realized it wasn't his choice in wardrobe that I didn't really dig about half way into the date, it was basically him. He was all hands, and unless I am CLEARLY putting it out to you that I want your hands all over me, best bet is to keep them to yourself for the time being. To top off the flattery, he lets me know that he knows he likes me because "I don't want to bang you right away,” and evidently that's how he knows if he really REALLY likes you. Special. On the way out, he asks to plan our next date and I very casually accept that we'll discuss another date later on, knowing all the while I didn't intend on having a second date, I just figured I'll politely decline later and let the communication come to an end in that manner. No muss no fuss.
He followed up for a second date, and I casually communicated I wouldn't be able to make it. In my brain, this is a MUCH better solution to me giving him actual feedback on my opinion of the first date and why I don't really want to go on a second one, but evidently I was wrong. He was grandly insulted at my ability to lead him on, the lack of backbone I had to just tell him I wasn't interested, and the "sh*tty character" I had which allowed me to be so deceitful.
Personally, I think he was a little over-dramatic and should have kept his fleeting options about me to himself, considering I had an arsenal of less than good comments to fire back at him, but you have to give him credit for giving it to me honestly. I of course, am walking away from that situation ecstatic that I didn't waste any more time, or self tanner, on him, but it did spark in me a though on honesty and wondering if it's always the "best policy"? Who's to say if I would have been upfront and said at the conclusion of the first date "sorry, I'm not interested in a second date,” maybe that would have saved us both the dramatic moment that followed.
I'm realizing more and more that when I have denied someone else the truth about my real thoughts, I justify this by saying "I'm just trying to save them any hurt feelings.” Truth is, and this was a big pill to swallow, it's my own fear of rejection and hurt feelings that I'm transposing onto the other person. Rather than giving them the benefit of closure and truthfully knowing my position on something as small as a second date possibility or as big as a full fledged relationship, I'm being less than honest with them.
The lesson I'm trying to learn here is that we should all treat each other with kindness, and of course you don't NEED to spout off your opinion to someone each chance you have just because you're full-steam ahead on the idea of 100% honesty, but it's best to allow others to make their decisions with all relevant information present and truthful. It's not fair to let someone go forward on a collusion that isn't really in line with what were the actual reasons coming from you.
I'm glad that jack-ass decided to "tell me off", because I think this was a good angel to take away from our date. Plus, the last thing he said to me was I owe him for the "free dinner" I had of chicken fingers.
So in case he's reading this, send me you're address and I'll put the check and some new Hanes tees in the mail.
Ladies, ever wonder where the phrase "tapped that" originated? Fella's, ever wonder if girls had slumber parties with nighties and pillow fights? Yeah, well me too. The Vagina MonoBlogs takes a proactive but honest point of view on some of these timeless questions and offers some perspectives to apply...or avoid for that matter!
Contact Brandi Conrow at firstname.lastname@example.org
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