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The History of Philadelphia Fandom Through the Eyes of a Philly Sports Fan


The History of Philadelphia Fandom

Copyright 2010

Philly fans get a bad rap. Recent events don’t help either-thanks to Matthew Clemens. Fortunately, we can now put Philadelphia fandom in its proper historical context with this timeline guide. And if you don’t like it, well, please don’t throw a cheesesteak at us.

native american babes10,000 B.C.: The first Native Americans arrive in the area that will someday be Philadelphia. The pristine and idyllic landscape is flush with natural resources: fruit trees, deer and fish. As the sun sets on this beautiful landscape, the tribe organizes its first taunting chant, booing the sunset.

The 1600’s: The first European Settlers arrive bringing technology, Christianity, syphilis and a homemade pie called a Tay Stee Kaik. The Native Americans introduce a basketball-type game to the Europeans and their team, the Sikzers, which has been playing the game for several centuries. The Europeans organize their own team the first week and beat the Sikzers 107-85.

1681: William Penn is granted a charter by Charles II. Penn leaves a small section of the land for the local Lenape Indians, but local merchants pressure him to build an enormous and costly “Sports Field” to race horse and buggies. Crime in the area skyrockets, forcing the Lenape to move out of Philadelphia.

1776: The American Revolution happens. Redcoats are booed continuously until their surrender in 1781. Philadelphians shout obscenities until their boats clear the docks.Ben Franklin Pimpin

1786: Ben Franklin shouts at neighbor to go f*ck himself. The fashionable trend sweeps Philadelphia.

1800: The Federal Government, unable to take the constant criticism of the people of Philadelphia, move the Capital to Washington D.C. Thomas Jefferson’s presidential carriage is pelted with soft pretzels on its way to 95.

1839: Baseball invented. Phillies lose opening game. The Phillie Phanatic is tarred and feathered by an angry mob.

1854: Philadelphia consolidates the surrounding counties. The term “Yo!” first used.

1920: Prohibition makes alcohol illegal. Politeness Index reaches new heights at all sports games in Philadelphia.

1933: Prohibition ends. Philadelphians nearly beat to death the Easter Bunny.

1946: Sylvester Stallone born. South Philly fans stop booing things for 24 hours.

1949: Phillies fans forfeit a game against the Giants after throwing glass bottles at the umps for 15 minutes. Umps make secret pact never to make a call in favor of a Philly team ever again.

1968: Philadelphia fans pelt Santa with snowballs. Coal prices skyrocket.

1971: Frank Rizzo elected mayor. Local African American players spend 50% less time being booed and eagles fans50% more time answering questions from local policemen.

1972: Flyers fans fight St. Louis Blues fans and coach. Riot Juice  invented several hours earlier. 

1976: Rocky is a smash hit. All of South Philly convinces itself that it can play sports better than anyone they’re watching. Boo’s increase 300% at local games.

1993: Vet stadium installs a sitting judge in the basement to handle rowdy fans. Artie Lange explains:

1999: Fans cheered an injured Michael Irvin and hurl batteries at St. Louis Cardinals. Duracell Night canceled at stadium events until further notice.

1999: Fans boo McNabb during the NFL Draft. McNabb secretly vows to never win Super Bowl while being an Eagle.

2003: Santa booed again at Sixers game. Rudolf to poop on South Philly roofs from here on in.

2008: Phillies fans boo Phillie Phanatic for dropping foul ball.  Phanatic contacts manager to see if he can be traded to Red Sox.

2009: Phillies fans boo Adam Eaton during ring ceremony. Jesus also returns to Earth in Citizens Bank Park parking lot, but is so disgusted he leaves.

2010: Phillies fan allegedly purposely vomits on 11 year-old girl and Police Captain dad. Santa relieved he wasn’t at game.