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Andy Reid's Phantasy Interview: Part Deux

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Philly 2 Philly Phantasy Interviews

…a Satiric Look Inside What May be in the Head

of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

 

Ah, the importance of being Andy.

 

Andy Reid is now in the midst of his 13th season as Eagles head coach, and what began as a dream off-season has morphed into the nightmare of a maddening 1-3 start, with his team blowing fourth-quarter leads in each of its last three games—the last two played at the Linc.

 

If you’re reading this, you know the drill by now. Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid regards every press conference as if he’s staring down a belligerent army of dentists, proctologists and IRS agents. He’s a little better in a one-on-one setting (as I found out in June), but he was in a rare mood a couple days after the Birds’ 24-23 loss to the 49ers.

I caught up with him on Tuesday afternoon, which was also hours before Phillies-Cardinals, Game 3.

A note to all longtime Reid-watchers: Please insert your own throat clears, as we return to the theatre of the esophagus.

Andy: It’s good to see you. To see anybody. I’ve been locked in my office staring at game replays since Sunday night.

Matt:  Did you see anything encouraging, Andy? That was a brutal loss.

Andy:   You bet your ass it was, Matt. I can’t believe Jerry Meals couldn’t call a ball or strike to save his useless life. Cost us the game, and a 2-0 series lead. That f&ckin’ a-hole.

Matt:    Andy, I’ve never heard your curse before. As a Mormon—

Andy:  Mormon, Schmormon, I’m pissed. Stinkin’ Jerry Meals.

Matt:  You’re more concerned with the Phillies than your 1-3 Eagles? That’s shocking to me.

Andy:  We have 12 more games to go. We’ll be okay. The Phillies might be done in two more. Damn Meals cost—

 

 Matt:  But I thought you loved “meals.”

Andy: Not that kind. That motherhumper cost me five grand.

Matt:    But, you’re not allowed to…

Andy: Leave that alone. So I suppose you want to talk about football.

Matt:  That would be nice. So, what’s happening with our Dream Team?

Andy: I never called them that. That was Vince Young, our idiot third-string quarterback.

Matt:  Fair enough. So, what’s going on with the team? Three straight come-from-ahead losses, your defense making an Alex Smith-led offense with few weapons, look like vintage Joe Montana/Bill Walsh. Any answers?

Andy:  It all starts with me. I’d say that we all have a little piece of the pie right here, and it all starts with me. I get the biggest piece of the pie because I’m the biggest glutton. As for assigning blame to others, I’m not going to get into all that.

Matt:  Well, it seems noble of you to ingest the biggest slice of humble pie. You’ve been doing this for 12-plus years. But does the blame start and end with you?

Andy:  Of course not. All I can do is to do a good job of putting everyone in a position to succeed. It all starts with me right here.

Matt:   Andy, a lot of the fans’ anger over the 1-3 start seems to be directed at you—

Andy:  I can take it. I thrive on receiving anger. By accepting all the blame, I’m really taking none of it. Don’t you see the beauty and irony of my strategy?

Matt:  I think so. You mean by giving us no specifics, it’s just an empty gesture. An empty pathetic gesture, and nobody really grills you over the details. Something like that?

Andy:  Yeah, pretty much. Isn’t that ingenious?

Matt:  Kind of. But this strategy seems to be changing in your 13th year. After the Giants’ loss, you said that you got too conservative with the lead. You put specific blame on yourself.

Andy:  Yeah, I have to do that every 10 years or so.

Matt:  Let’s talk about your defense. Your defensive coordinator, Juan Castillo, has been under a lot of fire for the shoddy play of his unit in the red zone and in giving up big leads in the fourth quarter. Will he continue to run your defense? Is he in over his head?Juan Castillo- the Eag;es new defensive coordinator?  Photo: BusinessInsider.com

Andy: As I told you in June, Juan works his ass off, he’s loyal, and he once played linebacker in a flag football league. He knows his sh…, er, stuff.

Matt:  That may be. But is he able to design the right game plan for your personnel? You have high-priced cover corners playing zone, a system that needs great tackling by your linebackers but they seem inadequate, and…

Andy:  So, are you a defensive genius?

Matt:  No, I’m just a guy who once played d-back in a flag football league.

Andy:  Hand me your resume later.

 

Matt:  But seriously, is Castillo able to make the kind of halftime adjustments needed to thwart opposing offenses?

 

Andy:   Halftime adjustments? He’s new to all this. I still don’t make halftime adjustments. It takes me four days to install a game plan and I’m supposed to alter it in 10 minutes. You’re dreaming, man.

 

Matt:   It seems like other teams make them against you.

Andy: More power to them. There’s barely enough time to get in and out of the bathroom,

Matt:  Let’s get back to Juan. In your Monday media session, you said that he’s doing some good things. Can you name some of them?

Andy:  Juan consistently put 11 players on the field—all game long. Not 9 or 10, not 12. That’s a big piece of it right there.

Matt:    What else?

Andy:    I didn’t see too much else that I liked, quite frankly. But it’s really all my fault. (wink, wink)

Matt:    Andy, Juan has been with you since your last year in Green Bay and everyone who knows him likes him. But was he ready for this position at this time?

Andy:  Of course not, but he was begging me. Every damn day for two years. And what, you were a Sean McDermott fan?

Matt:  He may be looking better than Castillo right about now. I don’t know.

Andy:  I don’t want to get into all that. Besides he just took my car in for an oil change and car wash. He’ll be back real soon. He took Casey Matthews with him. Please change the subject.

Matt:  Michael Vick accounted for almost 500 yards of offense Sunday, yet you still lost. How does that happen?

Andy:  That’s easy. Our defense can’t stop a peewee team and Maclin got stripped there at the end. We were going in for a touchdown, provided we didn’t have to do it from the red zone.

Matt:  Would your new kicker, Alex Henery, have been able to make the game-winning kick if called upon? He had blown his two previous attempts.

Andy:  Probably not. Marty and I told the team to either get in the end zone or stop at the 21 and take shots at the end zone from there. As for Henery…funny name, isn’t it?

Matt:  Well, now that you mention it.

Andy:  Reminds me of that old song. (starts singing, while throat-clearing) “… and every one was a Henery / wouldn’t take a Willie or a Sam – no Sam  / I miss field goals, I’m Henery / Henery, the eighth, I am.  Second kick, worse than the first….”

Matt:  Um, Andy.  What about your red zone offense? Why not design more run-pass options for Vick near the goal line? Your O line doesn’t get enough push up the middle.

Andy:  That’s Marty’s job, I have nothing to do with the red zone offense.Quarterback Ronnie Brown?

Matt:   Any comments on that bizarre Ronnie Brown play?  Did you put him in position to have a brain cramp like that?

Andy:  We worked on that in practice. If you ever came to practice, you’d know that.

Matt:   You worked on that?!

Andy:   No, he f*cked it up. He threw away three points. How many did we lose by again?

Matt:  One more, Andy. Any comment on Kevin Kolb and his 1-3 Cardinals visiting Donovan McNabb and his 0-4 Vikings? Who are you rooting for?

Andy: Oh yeah. Can I please get some credit for getting rid of those guys at the right time? (After silence) Please. Who am I rooting for? Well, if the Vikings win, there’s a good chance that Donovan and Kevin will both be 1-4, so.

Matt: And Michael, too, if you don’t get it together in Buffalo.

Andy: Fascinating insight, Matt. We just have to get back to the basics again. (Andy spots Sean and Casey) Hey Sean, did you have them throw in that air freshener that I like? Okay, great.

Casey, come here. I’ve got a cool new way to get you in the game on Sunday. Report to the red zone offense meeting at 4:07. I heard you say that you once played center in high school….

 

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Andy Reid did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched?

 

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning  writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg.

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com  or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com

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