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Ultimate Philadelphia Sports Fan 'Bernie Bag-a-Bagel' Talks Phillies With Phantasy Sports Interviews

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Philly2Philly.com Phantasy Sports InterviewsBagel. Photo: freeclipartpictures.com

 

…a Satiric Look Inside What May be in the Head of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

 

Bernie Bag-a-Bagel may not yet be a household name in Philly sports circles, but give him a little time.


 

Born Bernard Bagabel in South Philly, Bernie Bags has resided in South Jersey since graduating college in the late seventies. Bernie is a rabid and somewhat typical Philly sports fan, if kind of the Jewish cousin of Joe Bag’o’Donuts.

 

 

He’s passionate and somewhat knowledgeable, even if he doesn’t get all the names and facts just so. We chatted together this past Monday over—what else—some bagels and coffee.

 

 

 

Matt:  So, Bernie, I’m happy to finally sit down with you, even though I feel like we’ve already met.

 

 

Bernie: Yeah, I’ve got that familiar kind of face, you know. Kinda Jewish, kinda Italian; just your average Joe, or Bernie.

 

 

Matt:  Who gave you the moniker, Bernie Bag-a-Bagel?

 

 

Bernie: My name’s Bernie Bagabel; it’s kinda a short trip there, you know. I think my brother Jeff hung it on me one day when shooting hoops at the JCC.

 

 

Matt:  I see. Bernie, you say that you’re kind of the unheard voice of the everyday Philly sports fan. What’s on your mind today?

 

 

Bernie: The Phillies. They suck. What are we, four games ahead of Atlanta? We can’t hit the ball. What, we have to throw shutouts all the time? It’s boring.

 

 

Matt:  But Bernie, the Phils scored 18 runs this past weekend, and have the best record in baseball. Can’t you cut them some slack?

 

 

Bernie: Nah, we can’t hit. Howard makes 100 million, and strikes out all the time, Chase can’t stay healthy, Cheech hasn’t had a hit in like a month. And look at the Braves. They’re coming.

 

 

Matt:  So, do you think we can hold off the Braves and all of their young pitching?

 

 

Bernie: The Braves? You kidding me?  They’re a joke. They’ve got Tim Hudsucker, who’s 40, and that guy who had that DUI charge, who’s 45, What’s his name?

 

 

Matt:  Lowe?

 

 

Bernie: Yeah, the guy who throws low. The sinkerballer guy who got the DUI. Geez, who is he?

 

 

Matt: You mean Derek Lowe.

 

 

Bernie: Whatever. Chipper’s like 50; they’re no good.

 

 

Matt: As a Phils fan, I’m concerned about their younger pitchers like Jurrjens and Hanson, and they have guys in the bullpen like Venters and

Kimbrel—

 

 

Bernie: Yo, Matt, you gonna name the whole roster? I’ve got things to do today. Don’t worry about the Braves.

 

 

Matt: I’m not worrying. I’m just wearing my analyst’s hat. So, you really that busy? It’s a Saturday afternoon.

 

 

Bernie: Nah, I was just breaking your matzo balls a little. All in good fun.

 

 

Matt: Fun for whom?  (Awkward pause)…Let’s get back to the Phils, okay? You’ve gotta be impressed with how Charlie Manuel keeps this team on top despite all those injuries.

 

 

Bernie: Yeah, he’s alright, But he costs us some wins every year. That game we lost in extras last week against the Dodgers…

 

 

Matt:  The 4-3 game against the Cubs in 11 innings?

 

 

Bernie: Yeah, that one. He lets that Horndog fellow bat for himself in the bottom of the tenth with the bases loaded. C’mon, let Pedro Valley hit for him. He gets a hit, we win. He doesn’t, he pitches. It’s an easy game.

 

 

Matt: You mean David Herndon and Wilson Valdez. Do you really roll the dice there? Valdez has only pitched one inning in his career. You can’t blame Horndog, er, Herndon. We lost that game with our fielding.

 

 

Bernie: What do you know? What, you’re the President of the Danny Horndog Fan Club? He’s the worst. I caught better pitchers in high school.

 

 

Matt:  So, you were a high school catcher? How good were you?

 

 

Bernie:  I had some scouts looking at me. Then, I blew my knee out on a collision at home plate. I held onto the ball, got the out, lost my future. That’s how you play the game.

 

 

Matt:  That’s a shame, Bernie.

 

 

Bernie: Meh. You know. That’s life in the big city. You play catcher, you pay the consequences. You see what they’re saying about that Bussy Posse guy?

 

 

Matt: Posey? Sure. Now as a former catcher, wouldn’t you want to see less season-ending injuries to catchers caused by collisions at home plate? Like the one that took out Giants catcher Buster Posey.

 

 

Bernie: Posey? What, is he playing with posies, or playing catcher? That’s what you gotta do. Man up.

 

 

Matt: You’re tough, Bernie.

 

 

Bernie: Just speaking my mind. Remember that Red Barojo guy? Wouldn’t block the plate for us, and we got rid of the bum. Couldn’t get his fat ass in front of the runner and he lifted up and got out of the way. Cost us the World Series, I think. I still boo him every time I see him. Even on TV.

 

 

Matt: Yeah, I remember that Rod Barajas play, and Brett Myers blew his arm out a few pitches later.Rod Barajas photo:www.almightyphilly.com But would you want Carlos Ruiz getting steamrolled like Posey did, and having Dane Sardinha catching the rest of the season?

 

 

Bernie: Who the heck’s Danny Sardines?  Look, I love Cheech, even if he can’t hit anymore. It’s not like he’ll ever hit .300—

 

 

Matt: Chooch hit .302 just last year.

 

 

Bernie:  So what. You think he’ll do it again? As Michael Jack Smith said…

 

 

Matt: Schmidt. Michael Jack Schmidt. You’re killing me with these names.

 

 

Bernie: Exactly. Unless you’re a Hall of Famer back there, just block the plate and play the game the right way.

 

 

Matt: You made some good points, Bernie. Speaking of blocking the plate, your plate’s empty, Would you like another bagel?

 

 

Bernie: Me? Nah. I’m a busy guy. Gotta run home to hear what those lame brains are saying on WIP and 97.5.  See you next month, Just mark my words till then.

 

 

Matt: Which words?

 

 

Bernie: The Braves suck.

 

 

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Bernie Bag-a-Bagel did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched? We also apologize to anyone who may be named Bernard Bagabel or Bernie Bag-a-Bagel, for that matter.

 

 

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning  writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg.

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com, or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com.

Read Matt's other Phantasy Interviews HERE

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