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Andy Reid Discusses NFL Lockout, Michael Vick, and Juan Castillo With Phantasy Sports Interviews

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Philly2Philly.com Phantasy Sports InterviewsHas Andy Reid lost his grip on the Eagles? Photo: http://isportacus.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/andy-reid.jpg

 

…a Satiric Look Inside What May be in the Head of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities 

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid is generally a pleasant enough guy, but not exactly one who likes to go off-script and give the media anything to work with. Indeed, at every press conference, Reid looks as if he’s staring down a belligerent army of dentists, proctologists and IRS agents.

In our sit-down, Reid spoke before I even got my first question out. After that, it took a few questions and a little finesse, but Andy became remarkably candid.

A note to all longtime Reid-watchers: Please insert your own throat clears…call it the theatre of the esophagus.

Andy: Okay, first for the injury report. Our mandatory, voluntary OTA drills were canceled and—

Matt:   Pardon me Andy, but there’s a lockout, and it’s also the offseason. This is just a friendly little one-and-one interview.

Andy:  Um, okay, the time’s yours.

Matt:   Andy, which side do you blame more for the impasse between the players union and the owners?

Andy: I’d say that we all have a little piece of the pie right here, and it all starts with me. As for assigning blame, I’m not going to get into all that.

Matt:   But you’re just the coach of one football team. You’re not Commissioner Goodell, and you’re not DeMaurice Smith, head of the NFLPA.

Andy: That may be, but I’ve got to do a better job of putting them in a position to negotiate. It all starts with me right here.

Matt:   Andy, I was hoping for a candid one-on-one interview. You seem to be lapsing into your cliché-ridden, press conference coach-speak. Do you really mistrust the media so much?

Andy: Hey, you all have jobs to do. I get that. I just don’t want to put you guys in a position to get any information out of me.

Matt:   But isn’t the media just an extension of the fan base?  By denying the media, you’re denying—

Andy: No, I see it differently. The fans are our 12th man—the best, most passionate fans in the NFL. The media are a bunch of blood-sucking leeches.

Matt:   Well then, just think of me as a glorified fan, Andy. (After some awkward silence). So, is there going to be a football season this year?

Andy: My job is to prepare as if there is going to be a full NFL season.

Matt:   Let’s talk some Xs and Os. Assuming there is a 2011 season, do you expect Kevin Kolb to be here? If not, are you comfortable with Mike Kafka as your backup to Michael Vick?

Andy: Kevin is loyal, hard-working and capable of winning a Super Bowl for us. And if any other GMs are reading this, give me a first and a third round pick or higher, and he’s all yours.

Matt:   And Kafka?

Andy: Kafka’s a fourth-rounder out of Northwestern. He’s not even close to ready.  He’s got the same odds of leading the Birds to the playoffs as I have of being a jockey in the Kentucky Derby.  (Calls out to his wife). Hey Tammy, what did you put in my diet root beer?

Matt:   I’ll have what Andy’s having there, Tammy. Given Kafka’s lack of readiness to start—

Andy: He’s ready; he’s just not capable of winning many games.

Matt:   Okay, given Kafka’s lack of talent, are you concerned that the combination of Michael Vick’s reckless style of play and your less-than-stellar offensive line will put your backup quarterback in the position of playing a lot this year?

Andy: No, no real concern there. I have great confidence in new offensive line coach Howard Mudd. He has a great football mind. Look what he did with Indy.  Did you see how the Colts kept Peyton Manning sack-free all those years?

Matt:  Yes, but will Mudd’s schemes work here? You have to admit that Peyton Manning and Michael Vick have very different styles of play.

Andy: Marty (Offensive Coordinator Mornhinweg) and I have brought about tremendous changes in Vick, and we think that in three years he can become Peyton Manning.

Matt:  In what respects?

Andy: In three years, Michael Vick will be a 6’5” white guy with no mobility, a penchant for endorsing every product in the universe, and the inability to win most of his playoff games.

Matt:   I just lost my train of thought. But let me throw this one out there. There are rumors that you are considering re-acquiring troubled offensive lineman Shawn Andrews from the Giants. Can you comment on that?

Andy: Who told you that? Shawn’s a once-in-a-decade talent, but I hope to never see that dope-smoking, slack-off, looney tune again.

Matt:   Back in February, you raised millions of eyebrows when you named long time offensive line coach Juan Castillo as your new defensive coordinator.  Now, Castillo was a great O-line coach, but he’s never been a D coordinator at any level, and he’s never been a coordinator of anything at the NFL level.

Andy: I take issue with part of that statement.

Matt:   Which part?

Andy: The part that called Castillo a great O-line coach here. Hey, I love Juan and he has an unbelievable work ethic, but I’m just keeping it real here.

Matt:   So, let’s say Mudd’s an upgrade as your O-line coach. What makes you think that Castillo is ready to be a defensive coordinator in the NFL?

Andy: Juan once played linebacker in a flag football league. He has a great work ethic  and a great defensive mind. Do you know that he advised Sean McDermott on our red zone defense the last two years.

Matt:  Is that a feather in his cap?

Andy:  No, more like a hole in his pants. But, do you want to know a little secret?

Matt:   Absolutely, and so do all of our Eagles fans out there.

Andy: There’s not going to be an NFL season this year, anyway. I was just trying to throw Juan a little bone for his years of loyalty,

Matt:   Wow. I really appreciate your candor, Andy.

Andy: Who do you write for again, Matt?

Matt:   Philly2Philly dot com.           

Andy: And how many readers do you have?

Matt:   Oh, a million or so.

Andy: Shoot, a million readers? Every single day?

Matt:   I’m not going to get into all that. But thanks again, Andy. Your time’s all yours.

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Andy Reid did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched?

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning  writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg.

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com, or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com.

Read Matt's other Phantasy Interviews HERE

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