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Ultimate Philly Sports Fan Bernie Bag-a-Bagel talks Phillies, NFL Lockout and more over Bagels and Beer With Philly2Philly

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Philly 2 Philly Phantasy Interviewsbagels and beer

…a Satiric Look Inside What may be in the Head

of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

 

Bernie Bag-a-Bagel may not yet be a household name in Philly sports circles, but just give him a little time.

Born Bernard Bagabel in South Philly, Bernie Bags has resided in South Jersey since graduating college in the late seventies. Bernie is a rabid and somewhat typical Philly sports fan, if kind of the Jewish cousin of Joe Bag’o’Donuts.

 

Bernie Bags is passionate and somewhat knowledgeable about the Philadelphia sports scene, even if he doesn’t get all the names and details just so. We chatted together yesterday over—what else—bagels and beer.

 

This was our second interview together; he offered that we meet on a monthly basis, and I’m still thinking it over.

 

Matt:   Good to see you again, Bernie Bags. Bagels and beer—what a great idea.

 

Bernie: Hey, Philly2Philly. I’m happy to share my knowledge and passion with you. And yeah, no better way to start the day than with bagels and beer.

 

Matt:   What’s on your mind today, Bernie?

 

Bernie: I don’t know, Matt. You gotta ask me some real questions.

 

Matt:   I’ve got some for you. Did you watch the All-Star game Tuesday night?

 

Bernie: Yeah, a little bit. I saw Doc and Cliff Lee pitch. And that fat first baseman dropped that pop-up with two outs and they pulled Cliff from the

game. He would’ve gotten the win.

 

Matt:   Fielder, you mean.

 

Bernie: Yeah, the fielder. The first baseman; who else?

 

Matt:   I was referring to Prince Fielder, Bernie. But give the guy a break; he hit a three-run homer to win it.

 

Bernie:  Yeah, that’s all right.  I shut it off right after that.

 

Matt:   You had confidence that the NL would win?

 

Bernie: Nah, no more Phillies in the game.

 

Matt:   Well, Victorino and Polanco were injured.

 

Bernie:  Why wasn’t that little Bastardo guy pitching; nobody can hit that little

 

Matt:  He wasn’t picked for the squad. He’s one of the best-kept secrets in the league.

 

Bernie:  He’s really something. Maybe, they don’t like his name. You know what Bastardo means in Puerto Rico?Antonio Bastardo photo: Getty Images

 

Matt:  Let me take a wild guess. He’s actually from the Dominican Republic.

 

Bernie: Yeah, that’s all right. Just so he keeps throwing strikes. Nobody hits that little bast—

 

 Matt:  I get it, Bernie. So, do you like the rule that the league who wins the All-Star Game gets home field advantage in the World Series.

 

Bernie:  When did they start doing that?

 

Matt:   About eight or nine years ago.

 

Bernie:  Does it help the Fightin’s?

 

Matt:  Sure. If the Phillies get to the World Series, they get home field now.

 

Bernie: Then, I like it. I root for all the local teams; I’m what they call a four-for-four guy.

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Matt:   That’s why we love you, Bernie. So, are you feeling a championship?

 

Bernie:  We still can’t hit worth a damn.

 

Matt:   Hey, we got 20 hits and 14 runs on Sunday versus the Braves.

 

Bernie:  The Braves stink; I told you that. But how about the Giants, the Cards and the Brewers?

 

Matt:  The Giants hit less than we do, and the Cards and Brewers can’t match our pitching. I like our chances.

 

Bernie: Sounds good to me.

 

Matt:  Let me get your quick takes on a few other sports issues. What do you think of all of the Flyers’ moves?

 

Bernie:  That new Russian goalie…what’s his name, um, Sergei Bigelow?

 

Matt: I think that’s it; they call him Deuce Bigelow Bryzgalov.

 

 Bernie: Yeah, Deuce better be good. We traded Richards, Carter and half the team for him, you know?What a difference a year makes. Photo: www.sportsnet.ca

 

Matt:  True, something like that. You think we need more scoring; would you make another major move and bring in Steven Stamkos?

 

Bernie:  Who the heck’s Stevey Stamos? Juts concentrate on our guys for once, okay?

 

Matt:  What about the Sixers, Bernie?

 

Bernie:  I’ve barely watched them since they traded away Wilt Chamberlain.Wilt Chamberlain photo: www.bvbinfo.com

 

Matt:  Whoa, you’re going back a long way there.

 

Bernie:  Just kidding. You say you write humor, and you can’t take a joke.

 

Matt:  Sorry, Bern, it was kind of subtle. So, what do you think of the Sixers, in this post-Chamberlain era?

 

Bernie:  I like their coach.

 

Matt:  Doug Collins—hard not to like him.

 

Bernie: He’s a real Philadelphian. Played his college ball right in the Big Five, I think.

 

Matt:  Yep, at Illinois State; I think they’re a suburb of Philly.

 

Bernie:  Smart ass. Collins has us playing the right way, and I like that Drew Halladay kid. But they gotta get rid of Iggy.

 

Matt:   Not sure Iguodala’s that easy to trade with that big contract, Bernie.

 

Bernie:  That’s not my problem. Let him go, and play Young and Turner some more.

 

Matt:  That’s a plan. I know you’re a big Eagles fan. Are we gonna have an NFL season? Any worries?

 

Bernie:  Yeah, why not?

 

Matt:  Well, there is that small matter of the NFL lockout.

 

Bernie:  So, what are those spoiled bum players striking about this time? I’m a union guy all the way, but I’m for the little guys—not the millionaires.

 

Matt:  It’s a lockout, not a strike. But yeah, there’s about nine billion dollars on the table; I think they’ll settle this soon.

 

Bernie:  Nine what? Damn. Yeah, they’ll get it done, alright.

 

Matt:  Maybe when we meet next, we can discuss training camp and some Xs and Os.

 

Bernie:  That’s all right. I gotta go.

 

Matt:  May I pay the bill?

 

Bernie:  Of course you can…you get an expense account, right?

 

Matt:  Not yet, but that’s okay. See you next time.

 

Bernie:  Wait, hold on, Matt. (He fishes through his pocket.)  Here…25 percent off your total check. You can use it. Just bring it up to my brother at the bar; he manages this joint. Yo, Jeff!

 

Matt:  Thanks, Bernie. You’re the best.

 

Bernie:  That’s all right.

 

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Bernie Bag-a-Bagel did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched? We also apologize to anyone who may be named Bernard Bagabel or Bernie Bag-a-Bagel, for that matter.

 

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg. They are not sports books, per se, but definitely have a lot of sports, and Philly flavor.

 

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com  or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com

 

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