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Philly 2 Philly Phantasy Interviewsbagels and beer…a Satiric Look Inside What may be in the Head

of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

 

 

Bernie Bag-a-Bagel may not yet be a household name in Philly sports circles, but just give him a little more time.

 

Born Bernard Bagabel in South Philly, Bernie Bags has resided in South Jersey since graduating college in the seventies. Bernie is a rabid and somewhat typical Philly sports fan, if kind of the Jewish cousin of Joey Bag’o’Donuts.

 

Bernie Bags is passionate and somewhat knowledgeable about the Philadelphia sports scene, even if he doesn’t get all the names and details just so. We chatted together yesterday over—what else—bagels and beer.

 

This was our third interview together, and once a month with Bernie seems often enough for me.

 

 

Matt:   So, Bernie Bags, what’s on your mind?

 

Bernie Bags: I told you the Atlanta Braves suck. I told you that two months ago when you were all over their jocks.

 

Matt:   C’mon, Bern, I wasn’t all over their jocks.

 

Bernie Bags: You were. You were carrying on about how great their pitching was, and how we should be scared to death. I’m so scared. Did you go out and get a dog to protect you?

 

Matt:   Bernie, at least hit me with an original insult. You sound like Howard Eskin here.

 

Bernie Bags: Harold Erskine, huh? Now that’s below the belt. Never liked that bearded idiot. He used to try to play ball with us in the neighborhood. Couldn’t play worth a sh—

 

Matt:  Did he have a beard back then, too?

 

Bernie Bags: No, he just stunk like the Braves.

 

Matt:  In the Braves’ defense, they do have the second best record in the National League.

 

Bernie Bags:  So what. We’re ahead by like 20 games, right?

 

Matt:  Eight and a half, nine in the loss column. Looks like the Phils are cruising to the best record in the league. You must be feeling great about it, Bags.

 

Bernie Bags: Yeah, you know. If they don’t choke again.

 

Matt:   When did they last choke, Bernie?.

 

Bernie Bags:  Last year against the Giants. 1964 with Burning and Short.

 

Matt:  C’mon, you gonna give us Bunning and Short? That was a long time ago. Most of our readers weren’t even alive then.

 

Bernie Bags:  I can’t help that. Hey, I remember. I was young then, but I remember. You know what they say about baseball, right? If you don’t learn the game, you’re doomed to regurgitate it.

 

Matt:  Didn’t someone once say that about history?

 

Bernie Bags: Say what?

 

Matt:  That if you don’t learn about it, then you’ll start to—

 

Bernie Bags:  Start to what?

 

Matt:   Regurgitate it…ah, let’s move on. What else is on your mind?

 

Bernie Bags:  That Ernie Whiteside guy. Still pisses me off.

 

Matt:  Ah, Eli Whiteside.The Giants catcher. Bouncing around like an idiot after the Giants pitcher hit Shane Victorino? I kind of agree with you.It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that Ramon Ramirez’s fastball drilling Shane Victorino in the back during the top of the sixth inning was intentional. Photo: Ben Margot/AP

 

Bernie Bags: Did I ever tell you that I used to catch in high school? Got injured blocking the plate, and lost my chance to get drafted.

 

Matt:   You told me—what’s your point?

 

Bernie Bags:  I used to play catcher. And if someone started to charge the mound at my pitcher, I’d hold him back.

 

Matt:   What if he broke free.

 

Bernie Bags:  Never happened.

 

Matt:  But what if?

 

Bernie Bags: What if the economy was great right now? I’d deck him. I wouldn’t jump around like a pansy and then tackle Petey Polanco.

 

Matt:  So, you’d deck him if the economy was great?

 

Bernie:  What are you, trying to be smart here? Ernie Whiteside. That maggot. He shoulda been suspended, not Victorino.

 

Matt: I’d say suspend them both, and also the pitcher who hit him, Ramon Ramirez. You think he hit him on purpose.

 

Bernie Bags: Of course, he did. And, you know what? That pitcher’s from the Dominican Republic.

 

Matt:  Yeah, I seem to have heard a little bit about that. A lot of the great players in the league are from the Dominican.

 

Bernie Bags:  Just so they’re here legally.

 

Matt:  Do not go there, Bernie.

 

Bernie Bags:  To the Dominican? Just kidding. He’s here legally. Just don’t have him throw behind our batters. But we’re gonna kill the Giants this year.

 

Matt:  That’s the spirit. So, what do you think about the Eagles?

 

Bernie Bags:  They’ve got to give more money to LeSean Jackson.

 

Matt:  DeSean Jackson. Yeah, I’d say he’s way underpaid.

 

Bernie Bags:  Ah, they’re all over paid, but he’s less overpaid than most. You can’t teach speed, and he’s the fastest guy in the league.

 

Matt:  Might be. So, are you excited that the Eagles signed Nnamdi Asomugha? And we got Cullen Jenkins, Ronnie Brown, and—Nnamdi Asomugha, Jason Babin, Cullen Jenkins, Domonique Rodgers-Cromartie, Vince Young, Ronnie Brown. Yeah, I’d say the Eagles are definitely making their mark on this year’s free agent frenzy, the likes of which the NFL has never seen. Photo: www.philadelphiaeagles.com

 

Bernie Bags: It’s been a long time since we won the Super Bowl.

 

Matt:  Like since never. And 51 years since the Birds won the NFL championship. So, is this the year?

 

Bernie Bags: Why not? The Packers aren’t gonna win again. They’re scared of us. We have their number.

 

Matt:   We do? They did beat us at the Linc last year.

 

Bernie Bags:  If Vick doesn’t throw that pick, we win and beat the Jets in the Super Bowl.

 

Matt:  You mean the Steelers, right?

 

Bernie Bags:  No, the New York Jets.

 

Matt:  But the Packers beat the Steelers in the Super—

 

Bernie Bags:  So what? The Eagles would’ve beaten the Jets if they got there.

 

Matt:  I think I follow you. If the Birds had beaten the Packers, that would have also affected the AFC playoffs, and as a result, the Jets would have beaten the Steelers?

 

Bernie Bags:  No, I think they would have beat the Patriots.

 

Matt:  But they did beat them.

 

Bernie Bags:  So what?

 

Matt:  I’m just trying to set the record straight.

 

Bernie Bags:  That’s all right. So you gonna pay the bill or what? I’ve got people to meet with.

 

Matt:  You wanna help me out a little this time?

 

Bernie Bags:  No, not really.

 

Matt:  So, Bernie, let me ask you again: Is this the Eagles’ year?

 

Bernie Bags:  The Packers ain’t gonna beat them.

 

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Bernie Bag-a-Bagel did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched? We also apologize to anyone who may be named Bernard Bagabel or Bernie Bag-a-Bagel, for that matter.

 

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg. They are not sports books, per se, but definitely have a lot of sports, and Philly flavor.

 

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com  or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com

 

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