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Roy Halladay Interrupts Philly Little and Matt Goldberg in Phantasy Interviews

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Philly 2 Philly Phantasy Interviews

…a Satiric Look Inside What may be in the Head

of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

for August 11, 2011 

  

I was having a beer or two with a longtime friend John, shortly after Wednesday night’s 9-2 Phillies win over the Diamondbacks. Of course, the win came just one night after a tough, 3-2 loss—with ace Roy Halladay of all people blowing a ninth-inning lead. And yes, the Phillies bounced back behind Cliff Lee and a late-innings offense, but Tuesday night’s tough loss still lingered a little.

 

At times like these, it’s always encouraging to get reassurances from my friend John, who I nickname Philly Little. To him, the sky always appears to be caving in on the fortunes of our teams. It’s not unusual to hear him, sober or otherwise, utter, “F me, the teams are losing. The teams are losing.”Roy Halladay photo: www.zoowithroy.com

 

So as you’ll see, Philly Little and I were doing our thing when in walked the quiet assassin himself, Roy “Doc” Halladay.

 

Matt:    It’s gonna be okay, man.  Just one loss. We’re way out in front. Eight and a half games now.

Philly Little: It sucks, man. Doc’s breaking down. Hamels has a bum shoulder, and Lee’s looking erratic. I’ve seen this all play out before.

Matt:   Hamels is gonna miss one start; he’s just taking some precaution. Doc ain’t breaking down, dude.

Philly Little: Ah, Hamels is soft. Remember when he couldn’t wait for the 2009 season to end, and we were in the middle of the freaking World Series against the Yankees? I don’t trust him. He’s soft. Damn it.

Matt:  Ancient history. He’s a gamer now. So, you still worried about Doc? In his career, he’s lost one game at home in the top of the ninth. One time.

Philly Little: Looks like a trend to me.

Matt:   One bad ninth inning.

Philly Little: Yeah, but it was a playoff-like situation.

Matt:   Eight-and-a-half games up on August 16th is a playoff situation? He let one get away; I don’t see the big deal.

Philly Little: I’ll tell you the big deal. Charlie Manuel is burning out our pitchers. First Oswalt, then Hamels, and now Doc. He shouldn’t have pitched the ninth. He’s been tired since the All-Star break.

Matt:   I don’t see it, man. He had that outing in Chicago after the break when he got winded, but it was like 110 degrees. He’s human.

Philly Little: This is Doc, the active leader in complete games. Mr. Perfect Game. Mr. I throw no-hitters in my first postseason start. Doc ain’t human.

Matt:   All the more reason that he should have been there in the ninth inning protecting his own one-run lead.Roy Halladay continues to make history.

Philly Little: Bastardo and Madson were ready to come in. You want to know the stat that’s gonna kill us?

Matt:  Can’t wait.

Philly Little: Halladay leads the league in innings pitched. Lee’s second, and Hamels is sixth. Charlie’s burning them out, They’re gonna have nothing left for the playoffs. It’s getting away; it’s getting away. Just look at the Brewers.

Matt:  They’re way up there in innings pitched because they’re great pitchers. As for the Brewers, yeah, they’ve won like 19 of their last 21. But, that can’t last forever.

Philly Little: If they keep winning, they could get home field advantage and Lee will give up gopher balls to Braun and Fielder and that Bernie Brewer will keep sliding in the beer mug after every homer, and we’ll have to watch Bud stinkin’ Selig accept the championship trophy. I can see it. Clear as day.

Matt:  The Brewers aren’t gonna catch us, and the Phillies aren’t losing to Randy Wolf in the playoffs.

Philly Little: You wanna bet? There’s always some dumbass team that wins the Series. Did you think we’d lose to Madison Bumgarner and Cody Ross last year?

Either the D-Backs or the Brewers look like the teams of destiny this year.

Matt:  The D-Backs are okay, but they’re not ready to win anything yet.

Philly Little: That’s what the Yankees said in 2001.

Matt:  That was 10 years ago; that team had Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson. 

 

Philly Little: And we have all these injuries this year. Polanco, now Chooch, Howard has a bad hand, Hamels…and the D-Backs have Doc’s number—

 

(Roy Halladay appears from the next table).

 

Doc:   Nobody has my number.

 

 

Matt and Philly Little:   Doc? What are you doing here?

 

 

Doc: I came over to ask you guys to keep it down. I’m concentrating on my food. Stop all the bellyaching, okay?

 

Matt:  Sorry, man. It’s my friend doing all the whining. You’re gonna be okay, I told him. You are gonna be okay, right?

 

Doc:  You worried about Tuesday night’s game?

 

Philly Little: Yeah, Doc. You got beat by Lyle Overbay. Lyle Overbay. You must have been tired. Injured. Something. Something had to be up.

 

Doc: Yeah, I left a pitch up, and he put a pretty good swing on it.

 

Philly Little:   But all those innings are getting the best of you. You should let the bullpen mop up once in awhile. Don’t let Charlie overuse you. Damn, it’s happening again. First Bochy makes you pitch two in the All-Star Game, then he pitches Lee, then you break down in Chicago, and now this. We’re screwed.

 
Doc:  Is he always like this?

 

Matt:  Yeah, pretty much.

 

Doc:  Look, I finish what I start. This last game was just one of those, you know…

 

Philly Little: Amenities?  

 

Doc:  Nah, that’s not it.

 

Philly Little: Anemones…it was just an anemone. Like he said.

 

Doc:  No, I’m trying to think of the word, but that’s not it. Look, I gotta run. In the meantime, stop worrying. You’re depressing me. I’ve got this. We’ve got this.

 

Matt:  Anomaly. Just one of those anamolies. Right, Doc? Hey Doc. Doc?

 

Philly Little: Did you see that?

 

Matt:  What?

 

Philly Little:  He left. In the middle of the conversation. He’s burning out. Damn. Doc usually always finishes conversations. I don’t know, man.

 

Matt: Doc ain’t a talker. He’s just the best pitcher on the planet…So, how about that big two-run double by Wilson Valdez?Wilson Valdez photo: www.thefightins.com

 

Philly Little: He hasn’t hit a homer all year and he’s standing there watching the ball, posing. He should have been on third.

 

Matt:  Maybe so, but man. Lighten up there, Philly Little.

 

Philly Little: It’s the little things, the little things. They all add up. And guess what else I noticed when you were in the john?
 

Matt:  I don’t know.

 

Philly Little: (whispers, as if it’s a CIA secret) When Doc left the table…

 

Matt:  Yeah.

 

Philly Little:  He left some of his burgers and fries on his plate.

 

Matt:  C’mon, he’s a health nut. He has to get up early to work out.

 

Philly Little:  Maybe so, but the old Doc would’ve finished what he started.

 

Matt:  But you just got done whining that he shouldn’t have finished the ninth inning the other night? You’re confusing me.

 

Philly Little: That was baseball. This was food. It’s getting to him. The season’s over. We’re screwed.

 

Matt:  Would it make you feel better if I told you that Madson polished off Doc’s plate with no difficulty?

 

Philly Little:: Yeah, it would. Did he really?

 

Matt:   Could have.

 

A Disclaimer: This conversation with Philly Little and Doc Halladay did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched?

 

Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg. They are not sports books, per se, but definitely have a lot of sports, and Philly flavor.

 

For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com  or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com

 

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Photo: www.zoowithroy.com