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Ultimate Philly Sports Fan Bernie Bag-a-Bagel Talks Phillies and the Eagles - Rams Game this Sunday


Philly 2 Philly Phantasy Interviews

bagels and beer

…a Satiric Look Inside What may be in the Head

of Current and Past Philly Sports Personalities

for September 10, 2011


The Phillies are running away with the National League East, and the Eagles are set to kick off their regular season on Sunday afternoon. So, who better to talk to than Bernie Bag-a-Bagel. Who?


Born Bernard Bagabel in South Philly, Bernie Bags has resided in South Jersey since graduating college in the seventies. Bernie is a rabid and somewhat typical Philly sports fan, if kind of the Jewish cousin of Joey Bag’o’Donuts.


Bernie Bags is passionate and somewhat knowledgeable about the Philadelphia sports scene, even if he doesn’t get all the names and details just so. We chatted together yesterday over—what else—bagels and beer.


Friday evening’s chat was our fourth interview together, and once a month with Bernie seems quite often enough for me.



Matt:   Bernie, I’ll leave it up to you. What’s got you going today? The Eagles season opener? The Phillies?


Bernie Bags: I’ll tell you what’s up. I hate the Braves, and that Eric Freakin’ Fogerty.


Matt:   Yeah. I’m not liking O’Flaherty too much myself. You think he was trying to hit Utley?


The Morning After with Steve OlenskiBernie Bags: He hit him in the head, didn’t he? How many guys has he even walked this year? He’s got good control, right?


Matt:   I don’t know…about 20 in 65 or so innings or so.


Bernie Bags: You made that up. How did you know that?


Matt:   I saw it coming—unlike Utley.


Bernie Bags: I’ll bet that Bobby Cox ordered it. I’ve always said Cox sucks. Cox sucks, get it?


Matt:   Very subtle, Bern. I’m still working on it. But, you know what?


Bernie Bags:  Yeah?


Matt:   Bobby Cox isn’t managing the Braves anymore. Fredi Gonzalez is.


Bernie Bags: Who cares. Charlie Manuel is managing us and one of the Braves needs to pay for that. I’d like to personally nail either Uggla or McCann.


Matt:   May I write that down, Bernie?


Bernie Bags:  Asshole.


Matt:  Thanks. So, aren’t you happy that the Phillies came into Milwaukee Thursday night and whipped the Brewers? And they did it without Utley, Howard or Rollins. Looks like nothing’s stopping us.


Bernie Bags:  Meh, who the hell are the Brewers?


Matt:  The team with the best home record in the NL, Bernie.


Bernie Bags: Better than the Phillies?


Matt:  Yes, slightly.


Bernie Bags:  So what? If we play them in the playoffs, we’ll have home field advantage, right?


Matt:   Barring a collapse? Absolutely. So, you like our chances?


Bernie Bags:  Do you?


Matt:  Yeah, I do. We just have to get a little healthy, figure out our fourth starter and our seventh inning bullpen guy.


Bernie Bags: (after some uncomfortable silence) Hey, aren’t you supposed to ask me the questions?


Matt:   I thought so, but you just asked me?


Bernie Bags:  Asked you what?


Matt:   You asked me, “Do you?”


Bernie Bags:  Do you what?


Matt:  Exactly. So, Worley or Oswalt for the Number Four starter?


Bernie Bags: It don’t matter. If we sweep the first round, he won’t even pitch. Then, he’ll pitch only once in the next two series anyway.


Matt:  That’s the plan, but there could be a pivotal Game Four in the NLCS or the World Series.


Bernie:  Let’s talk about the Birds.


Matt: Season opener, 1 pm in St. Louis. Is this the first of many wins?


Bernie Bags: Ah, the Cardinals suck.


Matt:  You mean, the Rams suck.


Bernie Bags:  They both suck.


Matt:  That’s better. So, you think the Birds carve them up Sunday?


Bernie Bags:  We should, but we won’t. Andy Reid always loses his first and last game of the season. You can look it up.


Matt:  That’s a fairly astute observation. The Eagles usually start slow, and given that they almost always make the playoffs and have never won the Super Bowl, they lose the last one, too. But you really think the Rams will beat them? You said that they suck.


Bernie Bags:  They do, but I don’t like our O line. Why isn’t Runyan still playing here?


Matt:  I don’t know. Bad back, too old, he’s in Congress.


Bernie Bags:  That dude is in Congress? Did you vote for him?


Matt:  No. But to the greater point, I’m a little concerned about the O line, too. And the linebackers.


Bernie Bags: We haven’t had a good linebacker since Reggie Joyner.


Matt:  Seth Joyner. I used to love No. 59. But, we’ve had a few good ones. Didn’t you like Trotter?


Bernie Bags: Is he still playing here?


Matt:   No.


Bernie Bags:  That’s my point. Reid spends all his money elsewhere and leaves nothing for linebacker. Do you like our linebackers?


Matt:  They seem like a mediocre group, but you never know.


Bernie Bags:  No, I know. They can’t stop the run.


Matt:  Well, the plan is to score enough points so that the other team has to pass the ball. That’s the defensive strength.


Bernie Bags:  Do you think that we’ll score enough points?


Matt:  Come on, Bernie. Last month, you told us that the Eagles were going all the way.


Bernie Bags:  I did?


Matt:  That’s what I remember.


Bernie Bags:  Well, that was before I decided that the Phillies would go all the way.


Matt:  So, are you saying that it’s physically impossible for both teams to go all the way?


Bernie Bags:  I haven’t seen it happen yet. Have you?


Matt:  In Philly?


Bernie Bags:  No, in freakin’ Iowa. Where else?


Matt:  Hasn’t happened yet.


Bernie Bags:  And how we gonna win it with our best offensive linemen—


Matt: Blocking legislation in Washington?


Bernie Bags: That’s a good line, Matt.


Matt:  A better line than the Eagles have?


Bernie Bags: You shoulda quit when you were ahead of the game.


Matt:  Later, Bernie.


A Disclaimer: This conversation with Bernie Bag-a-Bagel did not really take place—but is it really all that far-fetched? We also apologize to anyone who may be named Bernard Bagabel or Bernie Bag-a-Bagel, for that matter.


Along with being a lifelong Philly sports fan, Matt Goldberg is a unique, award-winning writer, speaker and all-around humorist who resides with his wife and son in South Jersey. He is a featured columnist for the Phillies for Bleacher Report, and is also the author of two new humor books—Wordapodia, Volume One, and All That Twitters is Not Goldberg. They are not sports books, per se, but definitely have a lot of sports, and Philly flavor.


For information on ordering books, requesting customized writing, media requests and special events, please contact matt@tipofthegoldberg.com, or visit www.tipofthegoldberg.com.


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